Broken Dreams of Pink and Laughter

Today our world changed abruptly.

For the last few months we have been eagerly awaiting the birth of our baby girl.  In an unexpected whirlwind we had been chosen to be adoptive parents.  We couldn’t have been more excited. 

Tonight we got the call that our birth mother had given birth prematurely and our daughter had been born stillborn.

We had 51 days left until her due date.  51 days.  It seemed like such a short amount of time.  She was further along than Lori’s own brother when he had been born early.  He is a healthy adult today--no ill effects from his early entry into this world.  How could this have happened. Every check-up had shown a healthy baby—we have pictures of her ultrasound on our refrigerator.  Just today our family all began a contest guessing what her actual due date would be.  We didn’t know it would be today...

The news came through the ministry that had helped connect us with our daughter's biological mother.  We told our boys.  There were lots of tears. The tears have not ended yet.  We were asked what name we wanted on her death certificate--did we want the name we had discussed?  How did we want to proceed?

We didn't want to proceed.  We just wanted to wake up from this unwelcome nightmare.

Yad Vashem is the name of the Israeli Holocaust Memorial.  It means ‘a place and a name.’  I’m not trying to comment on enormous human atrocities like the Holocaust—nevertheless I found myself thinking of the meaning of those words tonight.  A name and a place. My daughter deserves both a place and a name.

Her name is Kathryn Ella Grace Bassham.  She is loved. In this life she will never get to hear me say those words to her but she is loved nonetheless. 

Today, her place is with the Savior.  My only hope is in His mercy.

While that is her true place we will travel to California to look at her tiny form and to arrange for her burial-- to give her a place here, as well.  It’s the only tangible way I know to show my love for her.  I won’t get to watch her take her first steps or walk her down the aisle but I will make sure she is provided for in death.

I don’t know what this will look like.  Legally, we didn't have the chance to finalize the adoption.  Though she is our daughter but we don’t know what sort of red tape or policy we will have to navigate. . .

How can you so badly miss someone you’ve never actually met?

Yes, our world changed today.  When we thought of our lives from March forward it always included a little girl with her two older brothers.  Four months ago, we didn’t even know she existed.  Today we can’t imagine that our life will not include her.

There is a lot we don’t know.  How to pay for our remaining adoption expenses we've already incurred, how honor her in death, how to go about disassembling her bedroom.  How to move forward with any grace or dignity, or . . . how to move at all.

We also pray for Kate’s birth mother and birth father.  They are grieving.  We pray God will minister to them.

We praise our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  We do not understand but we trust His leading and look to Him for comfort.   Our hearts are heavy but God still reigns and He is still good.  All the time.

I miss you little Kate.  I’ll have to wait a little longer to actually meet you.  I love you.